Is That Soo Wrong?

More often than I'd like to admit, I find my internal monologue asking myself, "Is that so wrong?"

Actually, no, that's not entirely accurate. 

Truth be told, it's with more frequency lately my little voice asks, "Is that soo wrong?!?", in an almost incredulous, how-dare-you-ask-that-of-me (but secretly knows I'm guilty of something) kind of voice.

Here's a list of what still has me wondering, is that soo wrong?
(Do your best not to judge, please)

• Considering not letting my soon-to-be-five-year-old (the Bigger Kid of my two) to go to the birthday party of a classmate the day before her own party because the other kid's party sounds waaaay cooler than the one we have planned for our kid
• In response to a text message sent by my 70 year old mom to tell me she cannot talk due to a case of laryngitis, I promptly reply, "It's as if all of my dreams have finally come true!" And no, I did not include an emoticon happy face at the end of my message :(
• Using the cheap pre-grated cheddar cheese for my kids while saving the expensive, imported stuff for me and the Tall Guy
• Pretending I'm asleep when one or more children enter my room before seven am on the weekend and letting Tall Guy get up with them
• Not wanting to invite my daycare provider's nice kid to Bigger Kid's birthday party because it might mean SIX extra mouths to stuff pizza, cake and ice cream into if she decides to bring her husband and all FOUR of her kids
• Not wanting to invite certain adult friends to BBQs at our house because I'm afraid their eight year old son may torture my dog or light the house on fire if left unattended 
• For years, deliberately withholding information about Facebook (specifically, that Facebook exists)  from my mother because I don't want to be "friends" with her on it.                                          Even though I'm "friends" with all six of her brothers and sisters 
• Jokingly asking the Bigger Kid if she would like peanut-butter on toast for breakfast every morning even though she is highly allergic and would likely need emergency medical treatment if even one bite was taken*
• Feeling guilty when Tall Guy offers to let me go overseas for a friend's wedding without him (because we cannot afford airfare for all four of us) but accepting his offer anyway
• Eventually getting mom on Facebook but only after explaining that no, I will not be her "friend" because of the Slippery Slope it would create for me and the possibility of having to "friend" my mother in law**

This is not a complete list and it's probably not the worst of things I've said, done or thought today, much less this week. 

This may have to be a regular thing, though, I think it may be somewhat therapeutic, for me.

What have you done lately that has made you ask yourself, is that sooo wrong?

*The Bigger Kid always laughs and says, no to the peanut butter on toast

**The Facebook thing about my mother-in-law is true. It really is a slippery slope

Naked Christmas Party

I feel like there's a common theme developing on Shit I Don't Tell Most People.
Beyond the obvious theme -that this really is shit I don't tell in polite company (polite 'company' excludes most of my friends, of course), there is another theme that keeps popping up.

And I think that theme is nudity. Or better yet, nakedness. Yes, that's it.

Nudity is very clinical. Something you need to wear while at your annual girl-parts exam or half of what you forced to be during childbirth. 

Nakedness, on the other hand, is dirty. Skeevy. 
Often it's sexy.

Often it is not.

And these are the times I seem to like to talk about the most. I cannot begin to imagine why.

But anyway, this all brings me to the story of: How Our Annual Christmas Party Became a Naked Christmas Party. 

(*I would now like the reader to imagine the voice of the Burl Ive's pedophilic-looking snowman from the old, stop-motion-animated, Rudolph the Rednosed Reindeer television special)

The Founder of FKC

It began like any other Christmas party, many, many years ago....

Waay too much cake, candy, home-made hummus that tastes like watered-down cardboard and a "fun" gift exchange (the kind where you all take numbers then have the choice of opening a gift or stealing a gift that has already been opened by someone else) that went on for hours. 

No joke. Hours. Because the thing was, it was not a White Elephant gift exchange- for some reason, most of us at the party actually prided ourselves on bringing a cool gift. Everyone there actually wanted to have that gift that nobody could live without. The gift that kept getting stolen again and again.

But even though most of us scored cool gifts, the constant gift-swiping made the gift exchange go on too long and ultimately kill everyone's buzz.

So new rules were in order. One year the Tall Guy and I hosted the party and we made a list of rules that included that any coveted gift could only be stolen a total of three times. This helped tremendously but still, by this time, we'd been getting together with the same group of friends for  maybe five years, and the party was getting a bit stale. 

It was around 2001 and most of the couples in my group of friends had small kids as well as most of their irrational lifestyle choices, behaviors and drug use were well behind them. My theory is that within the boundaries of the hum-drum life of raising kids and paying mortgages, getting to bed early and taking our vitamins.

We all were well and truly bored with our happy, drama-free lives and so that's when things took an unexpected turn.

The annual Xmas Party became the XXX-Mas Party when new rules were created in order to prevent the gift exchange from going on too long. If someone tried to steal your gift, you could effectively "block" that steal by removing an article of clothing. And if the person that tried to steal the gift to begin with, still wanted the gift in question, he or she could take off a piece of their clothing in order to 'block' the initial 'block'.

And thus, the 'Strip-Off' was born.

The first person naked would get to keep the gift.

The Tall Guy and I missed the first time the nakedness happened because we happened to be living overseas at the time. However, soon after the new year we were blessed with blurred photographic evidence that arrived in a package at our apartment in South Korea. We had sent a gift package to be given away at the party with various Korean nicknaks, including a small, purple poloroid camera. Some of the 1 inch x 1 1/2 inch photos taken that night were included in the package (that also contained some other stuff that I've completely forgotten about). 

Several pictures showed one of numerous different (male) party-goers, each about to collapse in laughter, while wearing a sock.

One sock.
Not on his foot.

So it began twelve years ago as a few guys stripping down to one sock or in later years, proudly showing off a 'Man-gina' and has since evolved (de-volved??) to either gender stripping down to nothing at all. No more socks for the guys or standing coyly behind a towel used as a shield for some of the women. The "NO PHOTOS!!!" rule has turned into a "NO POSTING YOUR PHOTOS ON FACEBOOK" rule that everybody follows. 

It now known as The Naked Christmas party. Or the XXXmas Party, take your pick. 

Although I'm pretty modest, I think the premise and each and every Strip-Off is absolutely hilarious. I have tried to explain this to my non-Naked friends but they don't get it. And they usually look at me kinda funny. And when I think about it- I don't really get it either.

I'd like to say it's because it's a super-sexy turn-on, but it's not. Much of the time it's a hairy, forty-year old dude that is dropping trou'. And if you were unlucky enough to be sitting next to him before the Strip-Off began, there's an excellent chance you will have the worst seat in the house when that hairy guy bends down, pushing his boxers to his ankles. Please use your imagination to picture your view...

And even the Strip-Off's that may begin as sexy, usually wind up being silly- like the time a couple guys both got naked at the exact same moment. The 'Judge' (the party hostess, who has never taken off even a scarf) decided that a foot race in sub-freezing temperatures would be needed to determine the true winner.

A naked foot race.
Around to the end of the block and back.

Or the year that one of the ladies had just gotten fake boobs installed and was eager to show them off. The men at the party were more than happy to enjoy, if not totally promote each and every possible Strip-Off opportunity by stealing gifts that they didn't even want (like a fondue set or nice serving dishes). It wasn't long before New Boobs was naked and then decided to goofily demonstrate a Shake Weight while topless. It is a vision that is now burned into my memory as it was probably more funny than sexy.

And now that Christmas is done and The Naked Christmas Party is over for another year, I am relieved once again.

Now I have eleven months to find a strip-worthy gift and worry a little bit less about cellulite or having matching bra and panties clean and folded in my dresser. I will not deny or confirm whether or not I've ever won a strip off, but I will say that I do own a very nice, over-sized matching tea cup set.