Sex, Zoos and Churros

It has come to my attention that since having kids, the sex the Tall Guy and I have is not like the sex I had when I was younger. 

I realized this when neither of us could remember when the last time we had sex was. In our lame-ass defense, the weeks without were due in large part to Tall Guy's business/travel schedule and my a-hem, biological schedule, if you know what I mean, ladies.

And to make matters worse a close friend needed some dating advice which reminded me how much has changed in the past four years. My friend was planning a date that included a picnic and a little hanky-panky in the great outdoors. Naturally, she immediately thought to call me for my expert opinion on the best way to plan sex in a place that is public, illegal and/or morally objectionable.

So I mentally tallied up the weirdest places I had sex before having children and provided it below for your perusal.

(*This may or may not be a totally complete list)
(**If you know me and know about another place I had sex, please feel free to mention it in the comments section below)
(***If I had sex with you, thank you, I'm sure I had a good time, please refer to above guidelines)

Weirdest Places I Had Sex Before Having Kids

Floor of a hairdresser's work station 
It was July, it was the only place my boyfriend and I could find that had a lock and no parents (it was his mom's business) and it had no air conditioner. It was so humid it was like having sex in a rain forest. A rain forest covered in hair. A hairy rain forest. 
When we were done we looked like Churros but covered in the hair of strangers, not delicious cinnamon sugar.

A Churro Threesome would be delicious
A hairy two-some, not so much

A Graveyard 
On Halloween night. Don't make me tell the underage-sex-in-a-graveyard story again. 

Oooooooooohhhh.....scaaaaarrry!
Or just plain creepy, anyway

I mean, who hasn't done this, right?

On top of a toolbox
My boyfriend was a mechanic and it was one of those big, Craftsman/Tim the Tool Man type red things on wheels. 

It looks much bigger in person...
 Yep, heard that one before, pal

Can't say why this happened or if it was fun. I can tell you that I got my TruCoat for no additional cost.

Thanks, Mr. Lundegaard!

On top of my 89 Jeep Wrangler while working for Fish and Wildlife
Right after college, the Tall Guy and I each worked as field biologists chasing big or slimey animals up mountains or through streams. We lived in the field, me in a cabin, he in a tent, hundreds of miles apart for weeks at a time. 
One weekend Tall Guy volunteered at my job and helped us capture bears in order to put satellite collars on them. The day he was leaving to go back to his job we realized (after having not seen each other for several weeks already) that our paths would not cross again for another six weeks. 
We made a hasty decision and worked quickly with belts and hiking boots and our Leathermans to get things done before my co-workers showed up at the trail head in their own vehicle. 

If only this multi-purpose tool could talk...

We made ample use of the roll bar.
Use your imagination.

Tuzigoot National Monument
Once again between field jobs, the Tall Guy and I made good use of a rendezvous in the middle of the desert.

I'd like to say that we did it in one of the hundred or so rooms in these amazing ruins but the museum was closed and so we were stuck utilizing the Jeep once again. The hood of it was delightfully frigid as the temperature dropped into the 40s. 

This multi-room pueblo was built by the Sinagua people. It is Spanish for, "without water"
 It was not built  for white people "without sex" but Jeeps most certainly were

Who knew the desert could get so cold at dusk? My ass, that's who knew. It may have been the quickest sex of my life.

In Front of an Exotic Bird Exhibit at a Zoo
Don't ask what zoo because I won't tell you.
I will tell you this, however, since I used to work at a zoo...I know things....
Lots of people have sex at the zoo.

"No" means "No", Smokey! No means No!

And I mean not just the drunk and horny zookeepers.

Upstairs from a Veterinary Office Somewhere in London
A disturbing trend has been discovered. 
Apparently I seek out sex in closed places of business where I am likely to become covered in hair or grease.
Luckily for me (and you, the nauseated reader) it all ended here. Or shall we say, it began?
Fast forward exactly 280 days from this day in London....

On the Eve of My First Born's Due Date
We threw a, "We're Having a Kid Tomorrow So Please Trash Our House for the Last Time for a Long Time Party". I'd like to say that I had been drinking something besides water that night but of course, I hadn't been. I don't remember if the Tall Guy had been but I imagine he needed to be wasted to have sex with me by that point in the pregnancy.

The next morning after I showered I woke the Guy up and we drove to the hospital.
And nothing's been the same since :)


Weirdest Places I Had Sex Since Having Kids

On Top
This was my go-to gig before I was busting-at-the-seams pregnant. I'd kinda forgotten about the fabled, On Top oft spoken about by ladies with fewer years and labial folds until recently. 

So I've been busting this one out a bit lately and the reviews are good. 
It's not just Two Thumb's up I'm getting, if you know what I mean...

Still not in the mood after having kids but hubby's nagging you?
Show him this image immediately
You're welcome.

Now go on- go have sex in a weird place or better yet...

Where is the weirdest place you've had sex (and don't say, the City of Mesa)???

                                                                         *****

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