Shit Mouth

Some random and surprising shit that has wound up in my mouth since becoming a parent.


Humble Pie- For all the times I vowed that I wouldn't let parenthood change me. Though some things (that perhaps should have) have not changed. 

I still call people (including my children), "Dude" more often than anyone my age should. 

I still make inappropriate jokes whenever possible and laugh at them myself.

I still think Doc Martens and Levi's are cool- even if they're not (please don't tell me if they're not). 

I can now stand to be around children and not be driven totally crazy. 

And the biggest change- I have begun to like the color pink and I don't become enraged when I think about princesses.

Shit- Or lack there of, actually...Since becoming a parent and leaving my job at the city zoo, I have not once gotten the poop or pee of undomesticated animals in my mouth. Poop and pee from my undomesticated children on me? Oh yeah, all the time. 

Neither have I been bitten by a lemur, jumped on by a teenage squirrel monkey, scratched by a toucan or farted on by a Watusi cow. Bitten, jumped, scratched and farted on by the two-legged undomesticated ones in my house? All. The. Time.

Ass of Dog- The Overloving Staffy, Matilda needs to be a part of every magical parenting moment that occurs in the house. Everyday the dog is with me or Tall Guy while reading the kids stories at bed time, putting kids in time-out or just playing with the tow-legged undomesticated ones. Once while laying on the floor on my back, my two-year old Cave Girl was riding up and down on my legs. It was at this point that the dog decided she needed to be involved and that she must sit on my face. Yes, I ate dog ass.

400 Bags of Potato Chips- I'd like to blame this on hormones but it's probably much more complicated than that. I have become obsessed with the salty goodness of cheap potato chips and could easily put away an entire bag every night (though I always force myself to stop at a half bag). Now you know why I (must) go to the gym 5 times a week.

Countless gallons of Costco brand vodka- Many of us go through a 'drinking phase' after turning 21. Unlike most non-alcoholics, I have gone through countless 'drinking phases'. 

When the Tall Guy and I moved to Asia to teach English when we were in our late 20s we both went through another drinking phase that lasted nearly a year. Upon return to the U.S. I found that late-night drinking got in the way of my early morning runs so it was an easy choice to quit (running. Ha! Kidding! I totally didn't drink for a few years there).

Now in my forties with little opportunity or energy or money to go out on the town, I'm going through my third drinking phase. At least I'm hoping it's just a phase...Since discovering that I am basically immune to hang-overs as long as I stick to a medium quality, clear booze, I am still able to run, swim or bike without issue the next day. In fact, in the process of starting a Runing Mom's Drinking Club right now. 

We're calling it Run-DMC- they're still cool, right? 

Don't tell me if they're not.

Currently accepting applications to participate in Run-DMC. Send a note listing of your favorite drink, best mile time and the worst thing you've ever had in your mouth. Tape this list on a 1.75 liter bottle of Costco brand vodka and leave it on my doorstep and I will get in touch with you as soon as possible.


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