Thursday, December 27, 2012

Naked Christmas Party

I feel like there's a common theme developing on Shit I Don't Tell Most People.
Beyond the obvious theme -that this really is shit I don't tell in polite company (polite 'company' excludes most of my friends, of course), there is another theme that keeps popping up.

And I think that theme is nudity. Or better yet, nakedness. Yes, that's it.

Nudity is very clinical. Something you need to wear while at your annual girl-parts exam or half of what you forced to be during childbirth. 

Nakedness, on the other hand, is dirty. Skeevy. 
Often it's sexy.

Often it is not.

And these are the times I seem to like to talk about the most. I cannot begin to imagine why.

But anyway, this all brings me to the story of: How Our Annual Christmas Party Became a Naked Christmas Party. 

(*I would now like the reader to imagine the voice of the Burl Ive's pedophilic-looking snowman from the old, stop-motion-animated, Rudolph the Rednosed Reindeer television special)

The Founder of FKC

It began like any other Christmas party, many, many years ago....

Waay too much cake, candy, home-made hummus that tastes like watered-down cardboard and a "fun" gift exchange (the kind where you all take numbers then have the choice of opening a gift or stealing a gift that has already been opened by someone else) that went on for hours. 

No joke. Hours. Because the thing was, it was not a White Elephant gift exchange- for some reason, most of us at the party actually prided ourselves on bringing a cool gift. Everyone there actually wanted to have that gift that nobody could live without. The gift that kept getting stolen again and again.

But even though most of us scored cool gifts, the constant gift-swiping made the gift exchange go on too long and ultimately kill everyone's buzz.

So new rules were in order. One year the Tall Guy and I hosted the party and we made a list of rules that included that any coveted gift could only be stolen a total of three times. This helped tremendously but still, by this time, we'd been getting together with the same group of friends for  maybe five years, and the party was getting a bit stale. 

It was around 2001 and most of the couples in my group of friends had small kids as well as most of their irrational lifestyle choices, behaviors and drug use were well behind them. My theory is that within the boundaries of the hum-drum life of raising kids and paying mortgages, getting to bed early and taking our vitamins.

We all were well and truly bored with our happy, drama-free lives and so that's when things took an unexpected turn.

The annual Xmas Party became the XXX-Mas Party when new rules were created in order to prevent the gift exchange from going on too long. If someone tried to steal your gift, you could effectively "block" that steal by removing an article of clothing. And if the person that tried to steal the gift to begin with, still wanted the gift in question, he or she could take off a piece of their clothing in order to 'block' the initial 'block'.

And thus, the 'Strip-Off' was born.

The first person naked would get to keep the gift.

The Tall Guy and I missed the first time the nakedness happened because we happened to be living overseas at the time. However, soon after the new year we were blessed with blurred photographic evidence that arrived in a package at our apartment in South Korea. We had sent a gift package to be given away at the party with various Korean nicknaks, including a small, purple poloroid camera. Some of the 1 inch x 1 1/2 inch photos taken that night were included in the package (that also contained some other stuff that I've completely forgotten about). 

Several pictures showed one of numerous different (male) party-goers, each about to collapse in laughter, while wearing a sock.

One sock.
Not on his foot.

So it began twelve years ago as a few guys stripping down to one sock or in later years, proudly showing off a 'Man-gina' and has since evolved (de-volved??) to either gender stripping down to nothing at all. No more socks for the guys or standing coyly behind a towel used as a shield for some of the women. The "NO PHOTOS!!!" rule has turned into a "NO POSTING YOUR PHOTOS ON FACEBOOK" rule that everybody follows. 

It now known as The Naked Christmas party. Or the XXXmas Party, take your pick. 

Although I'm pretty modest, I think the premise and each and every Strip-Off is absolutely hilarious. I have tried to explain this to my non-Naked friends but they don't get it. And they usually look at me kinda funny. And when I think about it- I don't really get it either.

I'd like to say it's because it's a super-sexy turn-on, but it's not. Much of the time it's a hairy, forty-year old dude that is dropping trou'. And if you were unlucky enough to be sitting next to him before the Strip-Off began, there's an excellent chance you will have the worst seat in the house when that hairy guy bends down, pushing his boxers to his ankles. Please use your imagination to picture your view...

And even the Strip-Off's that may begin as sexy, usually wind up being silly- like the time a couple guys both got naked at the exact same moment. The 'Judge' (the party hostess, who has never taken off even a scarf) decided that a foot race in sub-freezing temperatures would be needed to determine the true winner.

A naked foot race.
Around to the end of the block and back.

Or the year that one of the ladies had just gotten fake boobs installed and was eager to show them off. The men at the party were more than happy to enjoy, if not totally promote each and every possible Strip-Off opportunity by stealing gifts that they didn't even want (like a fondue set or nice serving dishes). It wasn't long before New Boobs was naked and then decided to goofily demonstrate a Shake Weight while topless. It is a vision that is now burned into my memory as it was probably more funny than sexy.

And now that Christmas is done and The Naked Christmas Party is over for another year, I am relieved once again.

Now I have eleven months to find a strip-worthy gift and worry a little bit less about cellulite or having matching bra and panties clean and folded in my dresser. I will not deny or confirm whether or not I've ever won a strip off, but I will say that I do own a very nice, over-sized matching tea cup set.


  1. Part of me is horrified - like you actually do this? But then the other part of me is - you actually have the balls to do this? Because I'm so prudish about being naked that I won't even let my boyfriend see me naked unless the lights are off.

    But really? The visuals you've given me are astounding and I'm laughing my ass off.

  2. Ok, here's the thing- just because you enter a Strip-Off, it doesn't mean you have to get naked.

    You can often bluff your way out by displaying unparalleled enthusiasm like kicking your (already unlaced) boot across the room in a David Lee Roth, scissor-kick.

    It's all about presentation.

    And then that self-basting tupperware dish is yours for the taking!

    1. Maybe so, but if there's pictures then some people go all the way right? I can't imagine being that carefree.

      If I tried the David Lee Roth scissor kick de-booting, I would probably end up wiping out the hostess's most prized chandelier and a half dozen guests. Then you'd have a guy wearing nothing but a sock (not on his foot) passed out when the ambulance came.

  3. I wish I had the balls to do that. I'd end up with terrible gifts. It does sound fun.

    1. You don't need balls.
      Or even cute underwear or a cute bod for that matter.
      One year I worked a late shift at the zoo so arrived in zookeeper uniform and stripped down to a sweat-stained jog bra and Gore-tex hiking boots. Got a sweet board game (Settlers of Cataan) that we still use today.
      A couple very pregnant ladies have been involved in Strip-Offs too.
      My friends.

  4. I've missed reading your hilarious antics.

    1. I've missed having hilarious antics!
      Sick kids, hard work outs and loooong afternoon naps have kept me from blogging.
      Thinking of starting a Monster drinking habit to try to wean me off the naps...
      Any thoughts?

  5. I am stealing this entire concept

    1. Shit, wait, Jackie-
      I thought nudity-just-for-fun was INVENTED by the Ozzies???
      Let me know how it goes and if you'd like me to send you the official rules.