Sunday, September 30, 2012

You Can't Leave...All the Plants Will Die!

Even in high school, I always knew that I would say the same things to my kids one day as my parents said to me growing up. I grew up with just my dad and he was about ten years older than most dads and so most of his quotes were those that were popular in the 30s or 40s. Think, "cat's pajamas" , "don't be a wise guy", "nice peepers" , "don't take any wooden nickels", that kind of stuff.

So I'm not sure when or why it happened but I used a Bill Murray quote from Stripes to force my f-ing kids to move their asses give my kids some encouragement to get into the car faster so I could make it to a class at the gym on time for a change.

"I WANT YOU" (as long as you are over 18)

I don't remember in what context I yelled, "THAT'S THE FACT, JACK!" but somehow it worked. Even though it was a funny line in one of the best movies ever, I yelled it in a kinda mean way in response to one of the kids demanding to know why we had to go to the gym that day. After I yelled it, the kid's got that quiet look on their faces that said, "Oh shit, Mom's about to lose it!" and they scurried like cockroaches in the direction of the car. 

But the thing is- I was not pissed! Quoting that line for no explicable reason for the first time in my life kinda made me smile on the inside and sorta brought me to a cool, calm place. There, for a brief moment I was able to fantasize (as I'd done many times as a way-too-young-to-be-fantasizing-about-men-in-their-mid-thirties girl) about hot Bill Murray from the early 1980s. 

And so the next day, again, something came over me while the little fat kid was trying to sneakily eat crackers on the couch. I had told her "No" a couple of times but she was basically ignoring me. 

Finally, I yelled, "YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!"

Well, guess who moved their ass and their crackers off the couch?

That's right, Jack Nicolas.

No, not really, but she seemed just as surprised at that moment as he probably was when he learned that Shelly Duvall was going to play his beautiful wife in The Shining.

So now I've decided I can use movie quotes to help me frighten encourage the kids to listen to me, no matter how out of context the quote because the kids obviously are not keeping up with the pop culture of the 80s or 90s. 

Plus, pretty much anything I yell at them scares the shit out of them.


Cute, sweet little dumb-asses.

Currently accepting suggestions for out of context quotes from old movies that can be used to scare my kids into doing things while lightening my mood.......


  1. Ha, my husband always busts me for saying weird, old-timey phrases that my too-old parents taught me.

    How old does the movie need to be? If 1999 is old enough, may I suggest "You are not your fucking khakis!"

  2. My husband can't bust me for shit as his parents are from a middle-of-nowhere town (aka cultural vacuum)and so I don't think they ever threw out any phrases at him as a kid. And so when I shout at one of the kids when they're whining, "DON'T CRY FOR ME, ARGENTINA!!!", I don't think he really thinks it's all that weird.

    But oh, I am ALL OVER that Fight Club reference. I'm gonna cue up the "kahki" line as you suggested and I think I'll bust out something like, "The first rule of '*Butt Check' is, Don't talk about 'Butt Check'" so their teachers/daycare providers don't think we're pervs.

    Thanks so much for your suggestion!

    * 'Butt Check' is the double-wipe job mom or dad does after the kid poops/wipes herself in order to secure skid-mark free underwear

    1. My husband's best friend spoke at our wedding ceremony, and he snuck Fight Club references into his speech. It's hilarious, when you watch the video, you can see all the young folks thinking "Waaaaait a minute..." while the old folks have no clue.

  3. Heh, heh, heh...
    My husband's best man friend spoke about himself and I think he mentioned Brian once or twice.
    I almost started my own Fight Club that night but got kinda drunk and forgot.