Thursday, October 4, 2012

Franklin the F*ck Up

Have you seen Franklin, the cartoon about a stupid little tortoise?

He looks nothing like this but I don't know about copy write laws and blogs and stuff yet.

If the answer is No, then clearly you do not own a child under the age of five or you don't have the Nick Jr. channel or both.

At any rate, it's a good thing because this little turtle is a total fuck up. 

Every episode involves him either blowing off some responsibility or not knowing the basics about modern American culture. 

For example, Franklin did not water Mr. Rabbit's petunias (even though he was specifically asked to) and went out to play instead. Or the time Franklin had NO CLUE about a major American kid phenomenon, The Tooth Fairy. I mean, what kind of kid- tortoise or not- has never even heard of the Tooth Fairy?? I don't give a shit if tortoises don't have teeth- I don't have  a prostate but I know about the cancer that winds up there in most people's Grandpa's, for Christ's sake.

This has me in a bit of a tizzy because my kids really love the show and I typically don't mind them watching one or two half-hour shows a day (it allows me time to do necessary household chores...or write this blog) but I feel like I'm doing them a disservice by letting them watch this loser tortoise. 

I am starting to think this tortoise kid is retarded- NOT that there is ANYTHING at all wrong with retarded tortoises- I just don't know if Franklin is 

1) representative of his species 
2) a good role model for my children 
3) being pervy when he takes his shell off (yes, he took it off at his doctor appointment) and runs around all neked.

And besides the fact that tortoises cannot talk or ride a bicycle in real life, as a biologist and former zoo keeper, I find it ridiculous that Franklin can take his shell off.

Piss off, Franklin.


  1. YES! I hate Franklin, mostly because he's such a pussy:

    I love that you have the proper credentials to take him down. You should make it a weekly thing. Can you please figure out what Gaspard and Lisa are?

  2. Number one: THANK YOU! Yes, he is a TOTAL pussy!!!
    Number two: Good idea on the weekly thing but I think you just stole the title of my new weekly column, "What the Hell is Wrong with Kids Shows". Crap!
    Numner three: Who the fuck are Gaspard and Lisa?? Sounds like a gypsy and abducted child. I will look into it.

    Number four: Please know that Franklin pisses me off so badly that I COULD NOT EVEN BRING MYSELF TO ADDRESS THAT FUCKING THEME SONG.

    Number five: I am truly sorry for putting the Franklin theme song in your head now. Really, I am.

  3. I totally have a child under 5 in the house, AND I have Nick Jr. How have I missed this idiot Franklin fellow? Because in his place I frequently have to listen to that god damn stuffed yellow bear Oso, or Caillou's whiny misbehaving crap.

  4. Niki- Thank you for support- I think we may have a movement on our hands.

    Amanda- Your comment made me actually guffaw! I spit my turkey and cheddar cheese roll up (too hung over to make/eat/keep down a real lunch today) onto my laptop screen, and for that, I thank you.

    And Jezuz- how the hell did I forget an honorable mention for that stupid bald kid, Callou?? He used to piss me off so much I actually Googled, "Why is Callou bald" once, just to see if he was "special" or something.
    No, he's not. He's not a "special" kid, he's just annoying.

  5. Why Franklin is a tard: he's Canadian.

  6. THANK GOD...IM NOT THE ONLY ONE. I HATE FRANKLIN'S THEME SONG & Caillou's squeaky voice is banned in our household.