Sunday, October 7, 2012

Don't Shit Where You Sleep

It was supposed to be our Big Night Out minus the little people.

It was an adults-only wedding. No, not that kind of 'adults-only' ( I wish!). Doug,  a friend of over twenty years, met someone really nice and so they decided to get hitched in a very nice wedding in his resort-like backyard last night. And not have all of our kids there to ruin it. 

Good planning on their part.

Here's a timeline of the events that occurred last night:

6:15 pm
Suited-up Tall Guy and I arrive 15 minutes late and sneak into the back of the ceremony already in progress 

Notice an old friend from high school that I was a little apprehensive to see standing twenty feet away at the rear of the ceremony as well (she and her husband apparently as flakey as me and Tall Guy since they obviously arrived late to the ceremony as well). She begins waving happily, frantically in my direction. I slowly wave back, surprised at the enthusiasm she has at seeing me. I am relieved- things won't be as awkward as I anticipated.

Then I notice the guy that she was actually waving at pass by me and go over and hug the frantically waving high school friend. Feel like an ass.

Ceremony over with, bump into ex husband of a friend for the first time since he walked out. Weird. He may or may not have grabbed my ass. Nice. 
I still got it.

Bump into Frantically Waiving Friend, we hug, we catch up. Not awkward. Nice.

Find out there's no real booze at the wedding. Only wine and beer. Fuck.

Realized I neglected to bring flask. FUUUUUUUUCK!

Frantically waving friend (who has two kids under the age of 6), knowing the serious nature of my situation immediately offers to help me find booze in the house. I make a mental note to add her to the I.C.E. contact list on my phone because clearly, this girl knows exactly what needs to be done in an emergency.

Find Kirkland brand vodka and diet tonic. I feel like I have won the lottery.

My friends' drunk dad jokingly grinds against me while I hug him hello. Happy that I seem to be getting a lot of action tonight but am still slightly disturbed by the humping dad.

Another friend finds me and tells me how she found herself sitting behind Todd Smith during the ceremony. "Can you believe the irony??" she asks, I am unable to see the irony and ask, "What, did you date him or something?". She looked at me for a second, probably to see if I was drunk, joking or just stupid and says, incredulously, "I was MARRIED to him!". 
Sadly, I was not drunk and I was not joking.

Tall guy reads text from grandma, the big kid is having troubles with her asthma. Tall guy calls his mom, she is stressed, but kids seem ok as they can be heard in the background being obnoxious (an hour after bedtime). Probably high on gummy bears and trashing the place Keith Moon style.

Finally find Todd Smith (ex husband #2 if you're keeping score) and give him a hug, catch up. He looks exactly the same. And he still has a really, really long.....set of eyelashes. 
No, seriously, he does. 
And his cock is HUGE.

Communication error between stressed Tall Guy and irresponsible, buzzed wife finds me ride-less, sober and very far from home. Tall guy on his way to pick up sick kid and awake sister to take them home.

Not in the mood to drink now, feeling bad Tall Guy has to deal with sick/cranky kids solo. Make plans to spend night with dear friend Kathy that lives a couple blocks away and is also at the reception. Tall Guy will pick me up in the morning.

Mood changes, I decide to go ahead and get drunk (Mistake #1)

1:00 am
At Kathy's house, no diet tonic, only cranberry juice. I pour my first vodka and cranberry even though cranberry juice always upsets my stomach the next day (Mistake #2)

1:15 am
Polish off some delicious chicken curry Kathy warmed up (Mistake #3). 

1:45 am
Kathy throws some pork ribs in the oven, tells me they "only take 45 minutes". For some reason, I think this is a reasonable thing to do at almost 2 o'clock in the morning (Mistake #4)

1:47 am
Frozen chocolate chip cookie dough discovered in freezer and it just seems logical that we bake and eat these along with the short ribs (Mistake #5)

2:15 am
We lay, propped up on pillows in in her king bed covered in plates full of empty ribs and cookie crumbs. It looks like a crime scene. I finish my second vodka and cranberry. We watch an old episode of Breaking Bad (Not a mistake. That show is fucking awesome.)

2:30 am
We realize we are fucked as our synchronized hang overs begin to kick in. We raid the children's ibuprofen and take about 16 chewable tablets each (First Smart Thing I've Done All Night )

6:30 am
I wake up feeling like shit. I alternate between sitting on the toilet and walking around the house with a Tupperware bowl, just in case shit starts to get real in a hurry. I spend most of my time on the toilet.

6:45 am
Am annoyed with Allure magazine because it is fucking stupid. Prefer finer literature for extended toilet visits. Mental note to leave a good magazine behind next time I'm here in case my husband forgets me at another party and I wind up eating short ribs and pooping like crazy over here again. 
I know that a recurrence of this situation is not as unlikely as it seems like it should be.

7:00 am
I break guest bathroom toilet. I don't know how it happened. The water is just not refilling the bowl. It's as if it were turned off. I consider checking to see if the water thingy located on the wall beneath the bowl magically turned itself off since the last time I pooped (about 7 minutes earlier) but decide I am physically incapable of bending down at that moment.

7:11 am
Decide to move matters to the kids bathroom. As I flush, I hear the chain inside the tank break. 

9:00 -10 am
Kathy wakes up and very kindly drives me 30+ miles home so the tall guy doesn't have to schlep sick kids across town.

11:30 am
Make lunch for kids. Take a handful of various poop and headache meds.

12:00 pm
Feeling much better. Trying to decide on what we should make for dinner. Cannot get ribs off my mind (Probably Future Mistake #6)


  1. So you spent the evening cock-teasing other people's ex-husbands and fathers, went to bed with another woman while your husband took care of the kids, ate your weight in ribs, and did the "drive of shame" home in your party clothes at 10 the next morning. My favorite line: "I know that a recurrence of this situation is not as unlikely as it seems like it should be."

    I have never been prouder of you than I am right at this moment. *sniffle*

  2. I can't believe you had the energy to this after that! That's commitment!

  3. Dessy- I now have my very own tooth brush at my friend's house
    Jenn- Not that impressive- I took a 3 hour nap later that day. It was delightful.

  4. Wow, I'm starting to think joining you guys for Theme Thursday was a bad idea....

  5. K-Dogg (my nickname for you, Kevin, cuz we may have to 'cool you up' if you're going to handle the estrogen overload that's about to happen)- You're going to be fine.
    If you're still uneasy, drink a six pack tonight, smoke a bowl out of a skeleton-shaped antique bong, sit down at your computer and relax.
    We promise to be gentle.

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  7. For professional reasons, please remove Todd's last name. Thank you.

  8. Good point, TTTeena...I'd hate for word to get out about Todd's super long eyelashes :)