Monday, September 17, 2012

Is that all there is?

So...I guess I've decided to write a blog because that's what sort of crazy-ish people with a reasonable ability to construct a sentence (run-on or not) do these days. 
Plus, I'm hoping that this will help me control the internal monologue that is constantly running in my head like that unnecessary Seinfeld laugh track. 

*Note: back in the olden times I would have referred to my internal monologue as, "the voices in my head" but that's not PC anymore. Like calling stupid people "retarded". Or calling retarded people retarded. Not cool. Just don't call retarded people anything, ok? You should know better. Just don't look at them, like everyone else does. Or doesn't. Whatever. Don't be so picky. Please see my note below regarding grammar.

But what do I have to say that is unique?
What hasn't been said yet?

Well, I am here to tell you what makes me unique.
In just one minute.

Here it is....


Ok, I got nothing.

I just realized that this is not at all a problem for me because I've read what's out there and what I've found are a bunch of nut jobs.
Fair enough, there are some really good ones out there like the awesomely goofy, Jenny Lawson and that crafty (and by "crafty", I mean, shifty-eyed and not likely trustworthy), Lady Goats but the internet seems to be hemorhaging whackadoodles for the most part. I figure it's time I, the voice of reason (, stepped in.

Wait. Just thought of something.

Here is a list of what you will not find on this blog:

  • Heart warming stories about my adoring husband

  • Heart warming stories about my adorable children

  • Heart warming stories about my idiotic dog

  • Cute pictures of my husband/kids/stupid dog

  • Crazy-ass polar political views/news/rants

  • Showing thankfulness to God for anything

  • How to make shit

  • How to cook anything

  • How to not drink a lot of Vodka

  • Belly-aching about my "post baby body" or my "weight loss journey". I mean, barf. Who needs that kind of shit?

  • Good grammar

Here is a list of what you will find on this blog:

  • Frustrating stories about my annoying husband

  • Blood pressure elevating stories about my "spirited" (and often annoying) children

  • Occasional stories proving how fucking stupid my dog really is

  • Cussing. There will be lots of cuss words

  • Possibly pictures of interesting things that one can find in my town-that-used-to-be-rural-ish-till-we-gots-the-freeway (I only say this because one time I was jogging and came across an adult American Buffalo in my neighbor's backyard and was able to snap a picture. How cool is that? And no, it did not wander into the backyard, and no, I do not live in 1800s Wyoming nor current day Yellowstone Park. The buffalo was a family pet and we live in a town that's really a suburb of Phoenix)

  • Crazy-ass rants about really trivial matters

  • No mention of God, probably. Unless I'm cussing, of course (see above)

  • How to hire kinda good looking in a Vin Diesel meets John C. Reilly but dressed like that "Git 'er done!" Redneck-y comedian kind of way to do the most basic tasks around our house because you're too tired, lazy, or dumb to do any of them yourself

  • How to freak out while making dinner, because it's hard for me

  • There will probably be mention of booze 
  • Booze-related activities that may or may not include sex, falling asleep before sex, not remembering if sex was had the previous night, hang-overs (Future topic: ask me about the Girl Named Sue Triathlon and the drinking events included in this often ignored solo event)

  • Weird stuff like: 
    • Running
    • Going to the gym religiously
    • Teaching an indoor cycling class (I do a lot of this kind of shit, seriously)

(No, really. I'm pretty hard-core. You have to be if you want to maintain your weight and still drink heavily several nights a week while watching Breaking Bad marathons and devouring an entire bag of cheap, ripply potato chips from a plastic Tinkerbell bowl)

  • Words like, "awesomely"

Well, I think that about sums it up.

Time to pop an Ambien and hope the tall guy gets up when one of the small ones starts crying or something in the middle of the night.

Until next time....


  1. Well Hell yes.. this looks like a my kind of place to hang out.. except.. I'll bring my own bottle.. vodka,, not so much.. gin.. I"m in!

    and.. I only comment once if the word verification is turned on. I hate to sober up and read those f#$kers. actually, I have an eye problem and for some reason i can't see them

    Now,, of to my fourth time to try and post this damn comment.. 9 is my record!

  2. Hey JS (my new nickname for you)- thanks for sticking with that 'prove you're not a robot crap' to tell me you like me! I like you too!
    And thanks from your computer keyboard for NOT tossing it out the window when you were trying to get through the verification mother-effers!
    (I am of course, assuming that you didn't do that...)
    If you do sober up, come on over, we'll start drinking at- oh, your late already- sorry!