Saturday, September 29, 2012

Why I Got Naked for My Childhood Friend

After being head-butted this morning by an enormous toddler noggin for the ten millionth time since 2008 I began to think of how many injuries I've sustained since because of having children. 

I decided I needed to compile an injury list to include some of the more "dangerous" activities I've been involved with as an adult. This might help me see if I made good life choices when I decided my marathon days were over and a career working with zoo animals was no longer for me.

Injuries Sustained During Marathon Training/Biking to Work and Treatments Required to Remedy

Plantar fasciitis- Ice, Elevation and Ibuprofen 3 x daily. Repeated every 2-3 years when injury undoubtedly recurred because of training like an idiot (or like someone without a chronic, recurring injury they should have been worried about)

ITB syndromeStretching iliotibial band while standing in line at the grocery store looking like a weird lady that really needed to pee

Sunburn- No treatment needed. Simply enjoyed the "base tan" produced on my normally pasty/pale complexion

Sunburn induced Age spots on once milky white complexion on "average looks" face- Visited childhood friend, (now a dermatologist) to have age spots chemically burned off of flesh after the surprising, "mole check" that was required and stripping down so childhood friend  could look at every inch of my naked body with a magnifying glass

Loss of big toe nail- Went thong-less for 11 months. AND did not wear flip flops for nearly a year as well! Heh, heh, heh

Shin splints- see treatment for plantar fasciitis

Stress fracture & Morton's neuroma in foot- Surgical removal of nerve (that eventually grows back). Had to wear one of those stupid shoe things that wound up stinking big-time

Getting ass grabbed by local pervert while riding to work- No serious injury sustained. Late for work, broken headphones and post traumatic stress that makes me think everyone is a potential, ass-grabby pervert

Teenage boy yelling, "FAT ASS!!!" from car driving past me while jogging- Quiet humiliation and sad realization that I may always have a kinda fat ass, despite all the running. Treatment readily found in any type of bottle available in the house

Injuries Sustained from Large, Dangerous or Venomous Animals During 10 Years Working at a Zoo and Treatments Required to Remedy

Scrapes and Embarrassment- This occurred while walking past a "tame" adult Ostrich while on my way to retrieve a pacifier dropped into the front of the Ostrich exhibit (Why the hell a parent would want that pacifier- that may or may not have been sitting in ostrich poo- to put back in the mouth of their baby? I have no fucking idea). The ostrich decided to kick me and my sympathetic nervous system decided to jump into the nearest bush, causing scratches, much to the delight of the child waiting at the front of the exhibit with his parents, causing the subsequent embarrassment

Allergies- Sneezing. Kept a dozen Kleenix around in all pockets of zoo-issue cargo pants for six weeks. Had to remove disintegrated Kleenix parts from "clean" laundry for about eight weeks

Bruises- To legs while restraining live animals that don't want blood taken from them via a very large needle. Also, to ego when unable to restrain pig, peacock, squirrel monkey successfully for veterinarian

Boredom- Again, not a real injury but certainly a hazard on the job if it is your job to wait for the 100 year old tortoise to finish his antibiotic-laced strawberry

Injuries Sustained While Living with Small, Dangerous Children and/or Babies and Humiliation Morally Questionable Treatments Required to Remedy

Bruises- Sustained from bites when baby/child discovers that they have teeth and/or can use teeth to piss you off. Treated with Benadryl (ensured child was asleep quickly and so was able to get at least three drinks into me after kid's bedtime)

Sleep deprivation- Causes low patience and consistent poor decision making in regards to personal hygiene and fashion. This condition is chronic, lasting for years. It is also irreversible as far as I can tell

Torn Rotator Cuff- Sustained after lifting big-ass baby in and out of crib for 1 year. Surgery required for repair. And lots of drugs. Lots and lots of drugs

Serious Constipation Due to Overuse of Pain Pills After Shoulder Surgery- Layed on floor of friend's cabin where I went "to get a break from it all" while trying to read directions on enema package. Did not enjoy the weekend at all

Emergency C-Section to Remove Giant, Stuck Baby #1- All hopped up on sweet-ass epidural and stuff so don't really remember

Scheduled C-Section to Remove Giant Baby #2- Totally remember this because it TOTALLY SUCKED getting an epidural sans "sweet-ass" drugs to make me not care that they were stabbing me over and over again in my back

It is obvious that the physical tolls and risks of being near, working with and/or birthing children far outweigh any other activity that I have ever participated in. 

Not so obvious, though still true, having a two year old climb into our bed at 7 am saying, "Cockadoodle-doo, Mommy!" while gently prying one of my eyelids open with her fat thumbs is a benefit that far outweighs that of any job I've had or marathon I've ever run.

However, the emotional toll of being near, working with and/or birthing children has yet to be determined and is likely to result in irreparable, psychological damage.


  1. On the subject of your fat ass. Is it J-Lo fat or Oprah fat?

  2. I'd say my butt is more like Grinch fat vs. J-Lo or Oprah. It is more shelf-like than pear-like, I think.

  3. I had an emergency C-section for my third. You're right. Those drugs kick ass!!