Thursday, November 29, 2012

Shit Mouth

Some random and surprising shit that has wound up in my mouth since becoming a parent.


Humble Pie- For all the times I vowed that I wouldn't let parenthood change me. Though some things (that perhaps should have) have not changed. 

I still call people (including my children), "Dude" more often than anyone my age should. 

I still make inappropriate jokes whenever possible and laugh at them myself.

I still think Doc Martens and Levi's are cool- even if they're not (please don't tell me if they're not). 

I can now stand to be around children and not be driven totally crazy. 

And the biggest change- I have begun to like the color pink and I don't become enraged when I think about princesses.


Shit- Or lack there of, actually...Since becoming a parent and leaving my job at the city zoo, I have not once gotten the poop or pee of undomesticated animals in my mouth. Poop and pee from my undomesticated children on me? Oh yeah, all the time. 

Neither have I been bitten by a lemur, jumped on by a teenage squirrel monkey, scratched by a toucan or farted on by a Watusi cow. Bitten, jumped, scratched and farted on by the two-legged undomesticated ones in my house? All. The. Time.


Ass of Dog- The Overloving Staffy, Matilda needs to be a part of every magical parenting moment that occurs in the house. Everyday the dog is with me or Tall Guy while reading the kids stories at bed time, putting kids in time-out or just playing with the tow-legged undomesticated ones. Once while laying on the floor on my back, my two-year old Cave Girl was riding up and down on my legs. It was at this point that the dog decided she needed to be involved and that she must sit on my face. Yes, I ate dog ass.

400 Bags of Potato Chips- I'd like to blame this on hormones but it's probably much more complicated than that. I have become obsessed with the salty goodness of cheap potato chips and could easily put away an entire bag every night (though I always force myself to stop at a half bag). Now you know why I (must) go to the gym 5 times a week.

Countless gallons of Costco brand vodka- Many of us go through a 'drinking phase' after turning 21. Unlike most non-alcoholics, I have gone through countless 'drinking phases'. 

When the Tall Guy and I moved to Asia to teach English when we were in our late 20s we both went through another drinking phase that lasted nearly a year. Upon return to the U.S. I found that late-night drinking got in the way of my early morning runs so it was an easy choice to quit (running. Ha! Kidding! I totally didn't drink for a few years there).

Now in my forties with little opportunity or energy or money to go out on the town, I'm going through my third drinking phase. At least I'm hoping it's just a phase...Since discovering that I am basically immune to hang-overs as long as I stick to a medium quality, clear booze, I am still able to run, swim or bike without issue the next day. In fact, in the process of starting a Runing Mom's Drinking Club right now. 

We're calling it Run-DMC- they're still cool, right? 

Don't tell me if they're not.
Currently accepting applications to participate in Run-DMC. Send a note listing of your favorite drink, best mile time and the worst thing you've ever had in your mouth. Tape this list on a 1.75 liter bottle of Costco brand vodka and leave it on my doorstep and I will get in touch with you as soon as possible.


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This post has been brought to you by the letters T and T. They stand for Theme Thursday. Click on the button thingy and check out what a small group of wacky women like to have in their mouths....

23 comments:

  1. I'd much prefer toddler poop to bison poop. Or whatever animals you were taking care of.

    I'd join your club except I don't run unless I'm being chased. Can I sit on the sidelines with my drink and cheer?

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  2. Um, the way my friends at I act at bars, I'm pretty sure we'll be getting chased out at some point so please, join us!
    Did I mention that our goal is to run TO a bar and then run home?
    And oddly enough, there is a pet bison just a mile away from my house that we could stop by and see...
    And for the record, I'd totally eat bison poop before I'd eat kid poop. No joke.

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    1. Isn't Bison poop just dried out chips? Yeah, I'd eat that. After a few drinks. Let's do this. Next summer: Drunk Marathon with sidebar of Bison tipping, maybe poop eating.

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  3. This club sounds amazing, I need in

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  4. too funny! I like this idea, I'd join!
    And the next time I'm in Costco...I'll be checking out there vodka, maybe it's time to save a penny and say goodbye to Sky.
    ...TGIF blog hop, lead me here...

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  5. Well, we have a very tough screening process that you'll have to go through first. First off, do you drink? Do you run? Ok, you're in.

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  6. New follower (yes, I am aware that probably sounds cult like, or something along those lines) and I am loving your posts!

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    Replies
    1. Love that you are aware that it sounds stalker-ish! Sweet! Also love, love, love your name! Hee hee!

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  7. Hi,
    Found you from a blog hop and I am so glad I did. Your blog is so fun! I love it. New follower :)

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    1. Hey, Glad you stopped by, H & S (oooh, that sounds sooo dirty, doesn't it? "H & S"), will check yours out too!

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  8. This just cracked me up. Another 40something momma here going through another "drinking phase" can I be a member of Run DMC? :) Hopped over from the hop! Looking forward to reading more :)

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    1. You are in, Jenn! In fact, changed the criteria- you don't have to be a runner, I've decided. You just need a couple legs that allow you to walk (or be pushed if you happen to be in a wheelchair) to the 'downtown' main street that has a couple bars. Thanks for stopping by. Head to the desert and we'll arrange a run/stagger!

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  9. When we ranched, my husband use to laugh at me because.. I could handle cow poop on my face, in my eyes, on my clothes, and IN my boots. but if I got it on my hands,, I would stand and puke..

    He kept me in an endless supply of gloves..

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    Replies
    1. That's funny- I don't mind poop on hands AT all. Animal poop, though. Kid poop- yuck!!!! At least he was nice enough to get you gloves :)

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  10. I laughed so hard at this post and instantly became yoru newest follower. I found you through TGIF Blog Hop. I can't wait to read more!

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    1. Glad I gave you a giggle! And glad you found this funny- no guarantees for the rest of the posts- but if disgusting is your thing, you will NOT be disappointed :)
      Thanks so much, Jennifer, can't wait to check yours (your blog, of course) out too!

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  11. Hi Lovely, I'm your new follower from Blog Hop.
    Love your awesome blog. Feel free to check out & follow my blog @ revampspunkyrena.blogspot.com
    xoxo
    Rena

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    Replies
    1. Glad you stopped by- of course I will check you out! You share the same unique name as my sister! Can't wait to see it!

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  12. Hey I nominated you for a Liebster Award!! You can find all the info on my page. Congrats!

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  13. Hey, thank you, Jennifer!
    I loooove presents!!!!
    Muuuu-ah!

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  14. I love your blog, I love the naked christmas party and I love this post. I will stalk you now I have found you :)
    Found you from the blog hop.

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  15. I hate to be the suzy know-it-all here (not really... I secretly love correcting shit) but your club would have to be the Running Drinking mom's club for it to be Run-DMC. Either that or it's Run-MDC, which just doesn't flow as well. Either way, I couldn't join because although I do like drinking, I don't. ever. run. EVER.

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