Thursday, November 8, 2012

Sex, Zoos and Churros

It has come to my attention that since having kids, the sex the Tall Guy and I have is not like the sex I had when I was younger. 

I realized this when neither of us could remember when the last time we had sex was. In our lame-ass defense, the weeks without were due in large part to Tall Guy's business/travel schedule and my a-hem, biological schedule, if you know what I mean, ladies.

And to make matters worse a close friend needed some dating advice which reminded me how much has changed in the past four years. My friend was planning a date that included a picnic and a little hanky-panky in the great outdoors. Naturally, she immediately thought to call me for my expert opinion on the best way to plan sex in a place that is public, illegal and/or morally objectionable.

So I mentally tallied up the weirdest places I had sex before having children and provided it below for your perusal.

(*This may or may not be a totally complete list)
(**If you know me and know about another place I had sex, please feel free to mention it in the comments section below)
(***If I had sex with you, thank you, I'm sure I had a good time, please refer to above guidelines)

Weirdest Places I Had Sex Before Having Kids

Floor of a hairdresser's work station 
It was July, it was the only place my boyfriend and I could find that had a lock and no parents (it was his mom's business) and it had no air conditioner. It was so humid it was like having sex in a rain forest. A rain forest covered in hair. A hairy rain forest. 
When we were done we looked like Churros but covered in the hair of strangers, not delicious cinnamon sugar.
A Churro Threesome would be delicious
A hairy two-some, not so much
A Graveyard 
On Halloween night. Don't make me tell the underage-sex-in-a-graveyard story again. 


Oooooooooohhhh.....scaaaaarrry!
Or just plain creepy, anyway
I mean, who hasn't done this, right?

On top of a toolbox
My boyfriend was a mechanic and it was one of those big, Craftsman/Tim the Tool Man type red things on wheels. 
It looks much bigger in person...
 Yep, heard that one before, pal

Can't say why this happened or if it was fun. I can tell you that I got my TruCoat for no additional cost.


Thanks, Mr. Lundegaard!

On top of my 89 Jeep Wrangler while working for Fish and Wildlife
Right after college, the Tall Guy and I each worked as field biologists chasing big or slimey animals up mountains or through streams. We lived in the field, me in a cabin, he in a tent, hundreds of miles apart for weeks at a time. 
One weekend Tall Guy volunteered at my job and helped us capture bears in order to put satellite collars on them. The day he was leaving to go back to his job we realized (after having not seen each other for several weeks already) that our paths would not cross again for another six weeks. 
We made a hasty decision and worked quickly with belts and hiking boots and our Leathermans to get things done before my co-workers showed up at the trail head in their own vehicle. 
If only this multi-purpose tool could talk...

We made ample use of the roll bar.
Use your imagination.

Tuzigoot National Monument
Once again between field jobs, the Tall Guy and I made good use of a rendezvous in the middle of the desert.

I'd like to say that we did it in one of the hundred or so rooms in these amazing ruins but the museum was closed and so we were stuck utilizing the Jeep once again. The hood of it was delightfully frigid as the temperature dropped into the 40s. 



This multi-room pueblo was built by the Sinagua people. It is Spanish for, "without water"
 It was not built  for white people "without sex" but Jeeps most certainly were
Who knew the desert could get so cold at dusk? My ass, that's who knew. It may have been the quickest sex of my life.

In Front of an Exotic Bird Exhibit at a Zoo
Don't ask what zoo because I won't tell you.
I will tell you this, however, since I used to work at a zoo...I know things....
Lots of people have sex at the zoo.


"No" means "No", Smokey! No means No!
And I mean not just the drunk and horny zookeepers.

Upstairs from a Veterinary Office Somewhere in London
A disturbing trend has been discovered. 
Apparently I seek out sex in closed places of business where I am likely to become covered in hair or grease.
Luckily for me (and you, the nauseated reader) it all ended here. Or shall we say, it began?
Fast forward exactly 280 days from this day in London....

On the Eve of My First Born's Due Date
We threw a, "We're Having a Kid Tomorrow So Please Trash Our House for the Last Time for a Long Time Party". I'd like to say that I had been drinking something besides water that night but of course, I hadn't been. I don't remember if the Tall Guy had been but I imagine he needed to be wasted to have sex with me by that point in the pregnancy.

The next morning after I showered I woke the Guy up and we drove to the hospital.
And nothing's been the same since :)


Weirdest Places I Had Sex Since Having Kids

On Top
This was my go-to gig before I was busting-at-the-seams pregnant. I'd kinda forgotten about the fabled, On Top oft spoken about by ladies with fewer years and labial folds until recently. 

So I've been busting this one out a bit lately and the reviews are good. 
It's not just Two Thumb's up I'm getting, if you know what I mean...


Still not in the mood after having kids but hubby's nagging you?
Show him this image immediately
You're welcome.

Now go on- go have sex in a weird place or better yet...

Where is the weirdest place you've had sex (and don't say, the City of Mesa)???

                                                                         *****

Don't forget about Theme Thursday!
Check out the link below to see what other blogger's have to say about Sex since Kids....
 http://cloudywithachanceofwine.com/1397-2/)

22 comments:

  1. that picture is so gross I don't think *I* will ever want to have sex again!

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  2. Oh My God! I laughed so hard I think I wet my pants! The photos are hil-ar-i-ous! I'm not sure I have a stranger place than hairy churro salon. But I once got bizzy in a Burger King Bathroom. (No I didn't, I just like to throw-out quotes from Digital Underground any chance I get).
    Great post!!

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  3. Thanks for stopping by ladies.
    Confession #1: I find Borat slightly sexy.
    Confession #2: I had sex with three monkeys in a Burger King bathroom after drinking martinis
    Wish I were joking...

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  4. I'm dying!!! This is TOO FUNNY!! I have the flu & definitely needed the laugh! Smooches, Cyn A.D.D.MusicMamma

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks MusicMamma but this really wasn't meant to be funny- it is simply documentation for when my husband/kids/neighbors need evidence to have me commited.
      You must be delusional from fever!

      Delete
  5. HA! You are awesome. The On Top thing made me laugh. Funny how spontaneous sex now means nothing more than a different position. :(

    Thanks for the laugh!

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    Replies
    1. Dani- you a-hem, nailed it- I wish it weren't true but yeah, the first time I was on top since Baby #2 (who is 2 1/2 years now) was maybe a month or two ago and I felt like a porn star! I'm thinking we may need to mix it up a little bit...
      Glad it gave you a giggle!

      Delete
  6. I was thinking I'd be able to extort great sums of money from you based on what I now know, but you went and told EVERYONE!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Full exposure here, Karen, I mean, full disclosure- full DISCLOSURE!!

      Delete
  7. I love this blog! Made me laugh, and then have to shoo the Tinys away who wanted to see why Mommy was laughing so hard.

    I was a bartender long ago and one night after closing, I got up close and personal with the pool table. (There was a dude involved, too)

    When the Artist and I met he was my boss. We would stay late after the other employees left. Ahem.

    Maybe I have a thing for after hours businesses too?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ooooh, pool table! That sounds like it's out of a movie!
      But why did you have to shoo the Tinys away? Were you afraid they would have nightmares after seeing that last picture??
      Hee hee!

      Delete
  8. LOL, so funny! I'm so jealous. I wasn't quite as adventures as you and those look like some awesome places and great memories. Great stories for the grandkids?? Maybe not.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Proooobably won't tell the grandkids...
      However, once somethin's on the internet they say it's there forever.....
      Eek!

      Delete
  9. Oh my word! Man, you are truly outdoor people! Btw, since having kids, my boobs have really sagged so "on top" is out for me. Maybe I'll try upside down?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We were young, in love and poor.
      But luckily for us f*ing is FREE!!!

      Delete
  10. Hahahah! Too funny! And yet another reason why Churros are nasty.

    new follower from TGIF bloghop.
    http://tractorenvy.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
  11. Yes!
    Wait, you said, "nasty" not "tasty"-
    What.
    The.
    Fuck???

    ReplyDelete
  12. Yes. Lots of people DO have sex in zoos... And sometimes it IS the drunk and/or horny zookeepers... ;-)

    This post is hysterical, and it served as a gateway to my own romping history recollection. Fucking kids and their... ruinous ways...

    ReplyDelete
  13. Ooooh, Lost Girl...Sounds like you may have some gooood stories to tell from the zookeeper side...
    There were probably flies on the wall of kinkajou nighthouse (or whatever barn you were in) that are still talking about your extracurricular zoo activities!

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  14. Oh.My.God. The hairy churro comment just about sent me over the edge. This is one of the funniest damn blog posts I have ever read! And the picture with the guy and the bear??? Holy sh**!! Okay--first time admitting this---I had sex in a Catholic church Sunday school room with my high school sweetheart. Here it is a million years later, and I still have to drive by that church once a week when I go to my mother's house. No one knows why I'm smiling when I drive by...Hmmm..I should probably post this comment anonymously, huh?

    ReplyDelete
  15. Ha, ha- I was away with a friend visiting the San Diego Zoo sans husbands and kids and every time we passed a churro stand I couldn't help but think, "Hairy Churro, Hairy Churro!" It is now my new name for the male member...Maybe it will catch on!
    As for you and YOUR church sex- that is awesome! You are in the Weird Sex Finals now! What you did was illegal, immoral, it was in a public place and some would argue that it gives them the heebie-jeebies! Assuming you win, you will be awarded the Grand Prize....You guessed it- a trophy in the shape of a Hairy Churro
    xoxoxo
    Thanks for the compliments and for sharing, Meno Mama!
    Mmmm-uah!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Once was in Minnesota haven't seen a girl for 6 months the way is a cow be cap that had wrapped its tongue around my shaft and guess what it did not stop until I got some milk it ain't sick it's just not righ

      Delete