Thursday, November 15, 2012

Dear Kids, There's Something Important You Need to Know

There is one thing I would like my beautiful kids to know is that no matter what happens in this world, at the end of the day, my couch is really, really important to me.

The first few couches I lived with after moving out of my Dad's house after college were hand-me-downs or purchased second hand. Please understand that this new, stain-free couch has a special, stain-free place in my heart. I don't expect you to understand this but I expect that you try to help me keep my sanity by adhering to these simple guidelines in regards to my couch and it's blanket-y, pillow-y and ottoman-y accessories.


1) Do not jump on The Couch. Your feet, socks and butt are very stinky and I don't want The Couch to smell like any of them. Plus, the sand collected at the playground flies out of you underpants and socks like a lacerated pinata and into the cushions. Oh, and you might hurt yourself

2) Do not, eat or drink on The Couch. Although we had the forethought to purchase a couch in the darkest shade of brown possible in order to hide the inevitable spills that would occur, I would love it if The Couch NEVER resembles the back seat of my car

3) Do not poo or pee on The Couch. Although a biological spill can be cleaned, it can never be forgotten. And that's part of why I insisted on getting The Couch so soon after having you, my Firstborn. Most people would know better than to get a new couch right after having a baby. Most people didn't have a tripple-accident while using a double-breast pump on their old couch. Use your imagination for an explanation of that one

4) Do not use Couch Blankets to dress up the dog like Lawrence of Arabia. The dog likes to roll in the dirt and eat tortoise poop in the backyard. I would prefer that The Couch does not wind up smelling as gross as the dog often does


"Is there a kid-free family that would like to adopt me?"


5) Do cuddle up with Mom or Dad on The Couch if you're not feeling well and need to sit up all night long because you are too sick to sleep in bed. Also know that Couch Rules 1-3 are null and void during these times. Eating, drinking, pooping, peeing and dressing up the dog with blankets are all perfectly acceptable if you don't feel so good. At these times we'll let you do whatever makes you feel better. 

Except jump on the couch. Standing firm on that one.

                                                                           *********

Don't forget to check out the other posts about what some other bloggers think is important stuff to teach their kids. Click on the Theme Thursday button or go check out http://cloudywithachanceofwine.com/1397-2/ if you want to learn more about us a-holes!

20 comments:

  1. That was amazing. Also, triple-accident sounds vile.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah, it kinda was, think "Poppi" from Seinfeld.
      Luckily it was a really old, hand-me-down couch and were already planning to replace it.

      Delete
  2. I'm waiting for the dog to die and the kids to move out before getting a new one.

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    Replies
    1. I don't blame you.
      By the time the oldest kid is 10 years old, both the stinky couch and dog will be ready for euthanasia.

      Delete
  3. We have a beige leather couch oversized couch and I LOVE IT.

    And I'm now so glad I convinced The Hubs to get a leather couch as it has endured a little too much puke in the last 19 months. Why just this morning I woke milk puke off of it!

    Thanks for the laugh!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah, we toyed with the idea of a leather couch for the same reason- however, we live in the desert and it's just too hot. I kept picturing the couch lifting up, still attached to my sweaty butt every time I stood up!

      Delete
  4. Can the dog pee or poop on the couch? I mean, the rules are just for the kids, right?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for asking for clarification, the dog was probably wondering too, as she WOKE ME UP at 4 am dragging her ass across the bedroom carpet last night.
      Dog can lick and rub on couch. Poop, pee, vomit and anal gland expressions are grounds for a bus ticket straight to the pound, I'm afraid.

      Delete
  5. Hilarious. We are getting ready to purchase a new couch, because ours is one home health inspection away from being declared a piece of bio-hazard waste. That, and the fact that it is too large for our new living room....lol.

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  6. Replies
    1. Hey Lonna, thanks- I love YOU! Your Theme Thursday blog is heee-larious!
      Thanks for stopping by mine!

      Delete
  7. Love your blog. Found you through the Blog Hop on Funny PostPartum Lady.

    Been laughing all night :)

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    Replies
    1. Thanks Alicia- don't laugh too hard, it could cause contractions!!! :)

      Delete
  8. You Are one of the best kept secrets on the web... HILARITY ENSUES!! So I'm slapping you with the Sunshine Blogger Award. Accept your award here:
    http://www.3monkeysandamartini.com/2012/11/wtf-friday-episode-4.html

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well, well, well, I thank you and I am honored to accept! I will grab that buttony thing and get onto it as soon as I can- Thank you again!

      Delete
  9. I long ago gave up the idea of new furniture until all the smelly dirty asses in my house are gone. Of course this means I have to not only wait til the kids grow up but the husband and dogs too ... not looking likely. At any rate, found you via blog hop and I love it here!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We know that the kids will grow up or atleast move out in the next 15 or so years. The dog will eventually die in 10-15 years, depending on breed. The husband is tough, however. You know, my husband f's up my couch pillows all the time...
      You thinking what I'm thinking?
      Criss-cross??
      Nobody would ever suspect ME, if YOUR husband met with an untimely "accident" on say, a TRAIN! And nobody would ever suspect YOU, if...
      Oh crap. I just posted this on the internet, didn't I?
      Nevermind.
      Sorry I can't help you :(
      But thanks for stopping by!!

      Delete
  10. I'm 23 and I still dress my dog up in blankets...

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  11. And that is exactly what makes you so awesome.
    And someone I totally want to hang out with.

    ReplyDelete